Welcome aboard, Bryan.
If the right place to post your dilemma is where you are surrounded with like-minded friends that are looking to better their relationships, then you’ve found it
The path you’ve been taking for the last few years is the greatest of them all. It is the path of assuming responsibility, of acting as captain of your own life ship, of questioning what YOU can do to better your life and relationships instead of sitting idle and blaming partners and circumstances for self-induced misery.
It’s not only that you managed to save your marriage, but you’ve built a far stronger foundation to your relationships (with both your wife and your kids) then ever before.
The foundation (strategy) is good. I believe that the missing link has only to do with some unpolished tactics. In short – when you took upon yourself the entire task of rehabilitating your relationship, you weren’t kidding. But you took a bit too much; you even took the responsibility to guess what is good for your partner. You negotiate with yourself on what should the next step be and your predictions about the outcome are based on solely on your own way of seeing things and your personal emotional makeup.
Start involving your wife more in guiding you through the next steps. What does SHE want? How does SHE feel? What does SHE expect? What does SHE crave for in the relationship? What is SHE missing? What makes HER feel fulfilled and content? What changes is she going through? etc.
This way, you’ll take the load of assuming what’s good for your spouse off your shoulders, make her feel more involved in the growth process, and improve communication beyond believe.
Also, your wife pointed out that she needs to familiarize herself with the new you. This expression can be interpreted in three ways, and most likely – it combines them all:
1) She only said something for the sake of saying because she herself is confused and undefined with the processes that she’s going through. For example – changes in hormonal balance, moodiness and extreme shifts in sexual urges. Another example might be her occupation with changes in physical appearance now and in the future.
2) You have changed dramatically and she needs the time to witness that the course of this positive change isn’t reversible and that she is allowed to trust the newly emerging person and relationship.
3) Your wife is not yet aware that we all change through life and these new changes cause her to feel uncertain and insecure not by what’s became of you but by the change itself.
Keep the great path you’ve discovered; encourage your wife (by example) to share her fears, insecurities and uncertainties; listen more frequently and closely to what SHE wants versus what YOU feel that she wants or needs; and be patient with whatever she is going through. It took you years to get where you’re now. Don’t expect others to digest the change in days or even weeks.
And finally – we all love you for your kind personality, wisdom, and courage to grow.