Hello guys, this is my first post.

here's my situation: I've been married for 5yrs.. I was 24 and she was 22. Anyhow, we never had any serious problems with our marriage. We celabrated our 5th anniversay this month by going on a cruise through the carribean, we had a great time. Before our vacation she got a promotion and a hefty raise at work and was slated to start her new duties when we got back from the cruise. Her new jobs requires traveling out of state which I have absolutley no problem with, in fact I actually like having run of the house and peace and quite for a couple of days.

Well about a week ago she starts acting strangely. I ask "whats wrong, whats going on?" and I get the typical "nothing" or "I'm fine" respones.

I let her know that I know that something is going on, whatever it may be.

This past weekend she tells me that lately shes been having feelings that we may have been too young when we got married. She says that when we met she was only 18 and that she never really had a chance to be single and live on her own.
She says that with her new job she has feeling of independence that she wants to explore.

Now I know my screen name is 2thecurb but no one has actually moved out yet.

I need help...we need help.

And let me also mention that I TOO HAVE ALSO HAD THOSE FEELINGS in the past but never dwelled on them much.

Hey Brother,

I am sorry to hear that - everything seemed so nice about this story until I hit the 2nd paragraph. I personally feel no one should marry that young for many reasons. I did not get married until I was 29, and have recently seperated after 6 years of marriage. It was amicable because we both wanted different things (for me a kid) for her - her carrer).

The main reason I feel youth has it's disadvantages when it comes to marriage, is no one (man or woman) has any idea of who they are, or what they want in life when they are that young. You grow so much in your twenties and change so much over ten years. I really beleive that those years are the ones we all change the most.

But this dosn't mean you both can't change together. Your wife probally feels that she missed out on alot since she was 18 (ie: dating, traveling, meeting other people). And that's fine - it's normal to feel like that - you probally do too sometimes. I traveled the world - had 2 other serious relationships, worked hard to build up my carrer and jumped out of an airplane all before I met my wife and married.

I DON'T ever encourage infidility (I'm not saying she has been unfaithful) or believe in quiting when it comees to marriage. I beleive in trying to work it out and try everything in your power to save your marriage. In my case, I tried everything to save my marriage, but in the end it was 2 people who had 2 different visions of what they wanted in there future. The best decession for us was to part ways. I will always love and respect my wife a great deal - she earned it and made me into a better person. We just had different dreams. It was sad and it hurt alot - but this dosn't have to be your path.

I am not saying you need to follow this action, but I do suggest you look deep into your soul over the next month or 2 and ask yourself "what is it YOU really want out of life". If it's this marriage - then get your butt in concelling with her and try and work it out. If that does not work, or you don't want to do this - then a mutual spit is in order for both your sakes. She has to want this as much as you too for it to be saved.

Don't worry bro - the new job thing fades quick and real life comes back fast. If she truley loves you - it will not be easy leaving. No one - I repeat NO ONE can right off five years with someone that they loved.

Keep your chin up, don't blame yourselfd and most of all TRY to fix things if you can - get into conselling. If you can't - it's OK.. you can atleast look into the mirror when it's done and hold your chin up high knowing you tried - and in the end that is what really counts. No regreats - no excusses.

By the way, just because of my opion on young marriages not being easy - dosn't mean I don't want to see this work. I truley hope you both get through this and have many more wonderful years together. DON'T stop beleiving KIDDO! Take care of yourself - God bless!

Andre

Andre', thanks for responding. I must say it is nice being able to communicate my feelings about this through this forum. I dont like talking about this stuff with my family and friends because I dont like them knowing I'm having marital troubles...I talk about this to my mother and she automatically gets a bad taste in her mouth about my wife...what if we work it out and stay married...see what I mean? Now my mother will always have bad feelings towards my wife, thats why I dont really like discussing this stuff with family.

Anyhow, I just got off the phone with my wife and she feels pretty strong about this (separating).

I'm 29 and my wife is 27 now, after we got marreid we decided we were going to obtain some college degrees so we could live a good life and raise a family comfortabley. Her and I have always been on the same page...work and school...we both had the same goals, we were partners, we were gonna get through this together. I worked as a personal trainer and went to school full-time (still do), she was a fulltime nursing student and worked at a Lab part time (fulltime during the summer). Well during her time off from school while she was working fulltime her company offered her a great oppurtunity (promotion and raise). Of course we talked about it and she knew she would have to drop nursing school, we were both OK with it. It was too good of oppurtunity to pass up so she accepted it.

Well this is the part I've been thinking about the last 2 days. How convinient for her to decide that she wants independence, yep, right after she gets a job making 50k a year she decides this. What the heck am I supposed to do? A month ago her and I were both students... making it work...TOGETHER!!!
Meanwhile I'm still making 25000/yr , and I will continue to make 25k/yr until I graduate in 8 months.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that financially we needed each other to be able to go about life the way were going about it. I couldnt make without her and she couldnt make it without me...apparently now she can.

Hey Bro,

It's me agian. From reading your post, what I see most is your words is dispare. Hang in there pal and don't worry about how much you make now or how much she makes. That stuff does not matter. It will all work itself out.

I think you need to read my post agian... especially the part where I ask you "what is it YOU really want out of life" Think about this PLEASE! (and let us all know).

You can love someone all you want bro - but you can't expect them to love you back. That has to JUST be there! You CANNOT force this - try to fix it, but if she does not want to - then back off for now.

As for your mother - I know only too well how you feel. My mom never liked my wife (and my wife was a good person). They were just oil and vinager and every time I told her of a problem we were having (and it was hardly ever because I wanted to protect my wife and keep our relationship in privite) she would get bitter towards my wife. My advice from past experiences Bro...- KEEP your mother out of it because she will always have a bais opinion - she will take your side no matter what - you are her son! You need to confide in a close friend for real truth where there is no bais opinion.

Look, the biggest thing you have to face is that you might be comming to a halt for now. That's OK (even though you don't think so) Trust me on this... THINGS change over time and it could be you in the very near future sooo happy, content and satisfied with your life and this experience as just a memory. And further more, she might be on the receiving end wanting you back. CARMA is very POWERFUL - DON'T ever believe otherwise... what goes around, comes around.

My advice is this. If concelling is no longer in the pitcure and neither party wants to try and reconcile - then let her go if she wants to go. Sometimes you have to let people go who you love dearly for them to realize what they had, if it was meant to be - then she will be back, if not, then there is a better, more beautiful soul out there for you in the not so distant future. You sound like a really good guy - just hang in there and take it day by day for now - take care!

Andre

Independence is a wonderful thing and I think only then you see how love grows or it does not... When 2 people don't need each other to function independently but still choose to stay together and love each other, then you know it's love. I think the way things are turning out is all for the best even if you might not agree right now.

Welcome aboard, 2thecurb.

When I read your post it triggered me to rush up and publish Dr. Brenda's newest article How To Know Whether It's Time To Stay or Go?.

Does reading it help you any as I hope it would?

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Thanks for the encouraging words guys. I'm glad I was able to vent and get some feedback, I appreciate it.

Just want to let everyone know who took the time to read my posts, my and wife and I are handling this very civily and mature. We are probably going to move forward with ME moving out and were gonna try separtating for a few months. I guess you can say we owe it to ourselves to try this and see what we really want.

Sounds as if you selected the best option of all. Now, just in case you'll be splitting permanently later on, I suggest that you'll draw your separation agreement already now, when both of you are in a civilized, mature, and cooperative state of mind.

Please keep in touch and let us know how things are moving along. Much success in your path and explorations.

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Shlomo Tommer
Top Synergy Admin
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