Hello everyone, this is my first post and I just recently joined this site...I've enjoyed reading past posts and value the advice that I've found in response to other people's threads, but I thought it was time to post one of my own.
I've had a bit of a hard row (haven't we all)...I was molested by my father when I was very young and so was my younger sister...this has led to deep-seeded trust issues...inherently I expect everyone I love to betray me. I've worked through ptsd and gone to counseling, etc. I've never once victimized myself, never turned to drugs or unhealthy sexual relationships, I knew very early on I'd have every excuse to completely screw up my life, instead I became almost hardened and unemotional, refusing to cry or be weak...anyway. Several years ago (I'm 27 now, at around age 22) I realized that even though I wasn't a victim, I was still letting my father win by carrying around this huge shield, ready to fight everyone instead of letting them in...refusing to be vulnerable, etc. I worked through a lot while living with an old boyfriend (who was a godsend and really helped me through things). He was one of those people who came into my life probably only for that purpose and then we parted ways.

Then, I met my husband, and for once I entered a relationship with no heavy story to share, walls down, I let him right into my heart. We've been married now for almost 3 years (together for 4) and he's truly my best friend, he holds up a mirror to me in a way that makes me strive to be the best person I can be. He is endless in his love and support and is loyal like no one I've ever met.

So, you'd think everything was fine. But I'm finding that dealing with what happened to me when I was younger is not that easy to move past. Going home (which is 10 hours from where I live now) is like returning to a crime scene and causes me to crumble back into a small version of myself...helpless. And even away from home, I still expect my husband to betray me. I guess it's because you're supposed to feel safest with your father, and since I've never known that I just don't feel safe at all. I have gone through my husbands phone in the past and his journal and even his pockets (which I've always ended up telling him about and feeling crazy guilt for) I've never found anything...I don't expect to...that's the tormenting part, I know the reality of my relationship is that I'm safe, but I can't convince my mind to follow suit...or my gut, I'm not sure what steers me into this insecurity.

I could go on and on, but I'll try and get to the point, which is that the last few months have been hard. I've been battling myself, frustrated that I still have all these remnants of damage to sift through...and since I've been taking it out on my husband for a while now (with neediness and insecurities and even at times accusations) we've lost a foundation of trust and comfort that was once so strong. He recently told me that at times I'm so illogical that he can't trust me, because he doesn't know where that lack of logic will lead. What I'll do to get what I need (meaning turn to someone else) I've never been unfaithful (to ANYONE) and could never be, but I understand why he feels this way.
My trust for my husband hasn't changed, I know who he is, but my new fear is that I'll run out of chances, that I'll drain him by letting my emotional outbursts take over what's really a beautiful relationship. I'm just feeling lost and completely drained of strength and I don't know how to find that within myself so that I can once again be good to myself AND to my husband (not to mention every one else in my life)

I'm not sure if anyone can relate or help, but I'd love to hear from you if you have any advice at all. I don't think my marriage is in jeopardy, but I want to find some peace and I want my husband to desire me, not just be loyal to me. I know for that to be the case I have to find some happiness within myself first.

wow, just saying all that aloud and knowing a group of supportive people will read it helped so much already-I feel lighter, so thanks for simply providing a place for me to post this

I know no one has responded yet, but as I said, simply posting this has helped. I've been meditating lately and my mind has been open and I've been seeing new truths in my relationship. I've realized something EXTREMELY important. My husband was raised in a family that doesn't talk much about their emotions, their reactions to things is to go within themselves, sort it out and then reemerge when they feel better. My family is very vocal and so we say what we think, deal with it right then and move on. It's so obvious, but it recently became clear to me that my husband's way of reacting to things scares me because in my family if someone stopped talking to you and retreated it would mean you've crossed such a line with them they CAN'T even talk to you. Where in my husband's family, this is a calm, natural reaction to things.
And my reactions, lashing out, being emotional...to my husband this is a scary extreme, when to me it's a normal reaction.

It helps to understand my husband's reactions and to realize that I can have more control over mine, knowing especially the effect they might be having on him. It's a tough grey time right now, but I actually see the sun on the horizon.

And meditating has helped tremendously.

Hi, SAB,
I'm a brand-new member here myself, and in looking over this site, I found your post and request for advice. I feel bad that no one has answered you, but applaud your bravery in writing from your heart. As you said yourself, often just writing it all down is a huge relief.
I just want to give you some advice ~ you have had a heavy burden placed on you at a very tender age, and it isn't easy to deal with that. You are very fortunate that you found someone who loves you and understands you and is able to handle what you have been through, even when you need to relive things and put it on him.
That withdrawal and not talking about things isn't only your husband's family - most men in general do that - it is natural for them to "go into their cave and process things." Men generally aren't touchy-feely; unless they are messed up themselves, they aren't complex creatures. We are!
I just want to warn you, though - as someone who has been in your husband's position, i.e., the understanding support person in love with a man with emotional baggage - even the most deathless love can wear out. If you keep playing outyour fears and baggage on him, he will eventually get tired of it and find someone who is easier to be with. I had endless patience and understanding, and after a long time of the same thing over and over, I began to see it would never change and it was sucking up all my energy to be there for the person. I began to wonder if I ever needed him, would he be able to be there for me? I couldn't see that happening, so I began to detach myself.
When you have stuff dumped on you as a child, it is hard to get rid of it, but you must tell yourself that while you did not have a choice as a child on your situation, now, as a grown-up you do. YOU are in charge of your life now. You cannot change your past but right now and the future in is in your control. And the person you are now will never let what happened to you as a child happen to you again.
If you have a good man by your side, you are far ahead of most people (who tend to marry someone who would duplicate their childhood situation - or, just as bad, marry an enabler). You need to stop the behavior that has the potential to drive your husband away and focus on the happiness and joy that you deserve and share that with him. Remember, you are SAFE now, and you don't need to revisit that bad place anymore. Just don't do it.
I give you this advice in love and in the hopes that you will take it in the spirit in which it is given.
Be happy ~
Arlene

Arlene, it was lovely to wake up this morning and have this response waiting for me. Everything you say, I agree with, fully. I've known these things for a while now, and I've been letting my fear that "it's already too late to change" stop me from doing just that...this past week I have taken a step back and gone into myself, allowing MYSELF to sort of purge thoughts/fears, etc...through meditation, long walks, creating art & yoga. I had this fear that if I did that, retreated a little bit, my husband would be hurt or misunderstand and it would be a never problem altogether, but the opposite has proven true...he reaches for my hand, guides me into rooms with his hand on my back, small dating gestures that I've needed but by demanding this attention, wasn't getting. And now, having decided that you're right, I am in charge of my life, I can see the positive changes already...and suddenly my husband is free to focus on what he needs to focus on. And for once I don't see that as neglect, but I'm overflowing with happiness that he feels the freedom to do that.

Thank you Arlene, for giving me the perspective of someone in his shoes.
I appreciate it!

Oh, I am so happy to read your message ~ for someone so young, you are exceptionally wise, and your instincts are excellent. Your positivity shows that you are resiliant and don't want to be stuck in the role of victim, and that is SO IMPORTANT -it means that while your physical self may have been mishandled, your soul is undamaged, and you will never be down for long. You are quite a strong lady, whether you know it or not. And it's never too late for change. In fact, the very second that you WANT to change, you already have, because you've changed the energy around you. You see how everything changes for the better as soon as you start to think positive and act positive?
Always remember: you attract what you want into your life by how much you think about it and how much emotion (and what kind) you put to the thinking. Angry/sad/depressed emotions will create angry/sad/depressed energy and that will bring angry/sad/depressed things into your life. People will be difficult, events won't turn out as you wished, etc. If you want to bring good things into your life, create a mindset of whatever makes you happiest and ground yourself in that. Then, focus on that place and feeling, and ask for what you want, and you will create positive energy and call positive things into your life. It's one part joyfully thinking what you want, one part believing with certainty that it will come, and one part knowing that you are deserving of it all. Then all you have to do is let it in. It's really very simple (just keep in mind that just because it's simple doesn't mean it's always easy!). And it only works by believing.
Your husband sounds like quite a terrific guy and together, you sound like a great team. If in some small way I've helped you see what you already knew on some level, I am so happy. I think you're going to be just fine

Thanks for the reassurance!!! And for the lovely words!! I'm feeling strong within myself and holding onto that, cherishing these moments and for once, I'm finding myself HERE in these moments, in the present instead of fearing what will come in the next moment. Fear...I feel done with it right now and I know it will return in waves, but I will stand strong against it. You reminded me of something, just because all of this sounds easy, doesn't mean that it is easy. I can meditate, do yoga, take long walks, and call positive things into the circle around me, and I can see the results, but I'm realizing it may take my husband longer to fully see them, to trust them. I know I've done some damage there and so I'm letting him see it all in his own time and in his own way and trusting that he will. This is tough...I just want to shake him sometimes and say "hey, I'm getting through this, I'm feeling strong again..." but I have to allow him his own journey to this place. So, in a way, I feel a bit on my own right now, not waiting exactly, but excited for when we'll be on the same page together once again. I'm also using this time to accept and understand more fully that relationships, even the best ones, go through ebbs and flows and there's no avoiding that...so if I can stand strongly through this, which in a way feels like the most uncertain of down times (though I can feel the good coming)...then I can stand through it all. I have to create my own marriage. Not based on ideas. Not based on my parents failed marriage. But based on the love that brought me to my husband in the first place.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment here. And for opening this conversation with me. Your support means A LOT to me right now and I appreciate it so much.

much love,
Steph