Hi all,
I'm new to this forum and hope that I'm posting in the right place.
I've been married for 10 years and have 3 beautiful children.
Our marriage for the first 2 years was absolute bliss. When the children came along things as obviously would, became much more difficult. I began getting short tempered and frustrated over things.
Basically I had become selfish. I could probably go into this for over an hour but wanted to keep it short. This almost led to a divorce between I and my spouse at least twice. I began to step back and look at myself through my wife's eyes. What I saw was heartbreaking to say the least and is very difficult for me to think about. I can't believe that I used to behave that way! After discovering this about myself, I knew that I needed to make some serious changes. Over the past few months I've done everything that I can to show her how much I love her and I can't believe how excited I am about our marriage once again. It was great to see how she has reacted to me since I've gone through this change.
For the past two years our sex life has basically been non existent.
Maybe 10 times at best. I've started doing things like making date nights and sending the kids to the grandparents, holding hands and opening doors, cards, flowers, little love notes. In addition to cleaning the whole house on a daily basis. She's always met with a smile and told how much I love her. We made love for the first time in months a week and a half ago which was incredible for both of us.
I began to feel like everything was back on top and was thrilled.
Last night I decided that after the kids were in bed we would have a romantic bath together in the jetted tub. I arranged flowers and candles with a hot bubble bath. When she came into the bathroom and saw this she gave me a funny look and told me that I'm moving too fast and need to back off that she needs time. After swallowing the large lump in my throat I agreed to slow down. She said that I'm an entirely different person now and she needs to get to know that person once again before making love. This kind of gave me some crossed signals which confused me. I guess that I feel like I want to make up on some lost time and I really want her to look at me the way that she used to when we were first married. Maybe I'm still being selfish? Any input would be greatly appreciated. I could never go back to what I was like before! I don't want to come off being selfish ever again. But by speeding into things again maybe I am.


Thanks!

Bryan

Welcome aboard, Bryan.

If the right place to post your dilemma is where you are surrounded with like-minded friends that are looking to better their relationships, then you’ve found it

The path you’ve been taking for the last few years is the greatest of them all. It is the path of assuming responsibility, of acting as captain of your own life ship, of questioning what YOU can do to better your life and relationships instead of sitting idle and blaming partners and circumstances for self-induced misery.

It’s not only that you managed to save your marriage, but you’ve built a far stronger foundation to your relationships (with both your wife and your kids) then ever before.

The foundation (strategy) is good. I believe that the missing link has only to do with some unpolished tactics. In short – when you took upon yourself the entire task of rehabilitating your relationship, you weren’t kidding. But you took a bit too much; you even took the responsibility to guess what is good for your partner. You negotiate with yourself on what should the next step be and your predictions about the outcome are based on solely on your own way of seeing things and your personal emotional makeup.

Start involving your wife more in guiding you through the next steps. What does SHE want? How does SHE feel? What does SHE expect? What does SHE crave for in the relationship? What is SHE missing? What makes HER feel fulfilled and content? What changes is she going through? etc.

This way, you’ll take the load of assuming what’s good for your spouse off your shoulders, make her feel more involved in the growth process, and improve communication beyond believe.

Also, your wife pointed out that she needs to familiarize herself with the new you. This expression can be interpreted in three ways, and most likely – it combines them all:

1) She only said something for the sake of saying because she herself is confused and undefined with the processes that she’s going through. For example – changes in hormonal balance, moodiness and extreme shifts in sexual urges. Another example might be her occupation with changes in physical appearance now and in the future.

2) You have changed dramatically and she needs the time to witness that the course of this positive change isn’t reversible and that she is allowed to trust the newly emerging person and relationship.

3) Your wife is not yet aware that we all change through life and these new changes cause her to feel uncertain and insecure not by what’s became of you but by the change itself.

Keep the great path you’ve discovered; encourage your wife (by example) to share her fears, insecurities and uncertainties; listen more frequently and closely to what SHE wants versus what YOU feel that she wants or needs; and be patient with whatever she is going through. It took you years to get where you’re now. Don’t expect others to digest the change in days or even weeks.

And finally – we all love you for your kind personality, wisdom, and courage to grow.

__________________
Cheers,
Shlomo Tommer
Top Synergy Admin
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Thank you for the reply.
I think that of the 3 points that you stated # 2 hits it right on the head!
"You have changed dramatically and she needs the time to witness that the course of this positive change isn’t reversible and that she is allowed to trust the newly emerging person and relationship."
The reason that I fully believe that this is where she is at right now is that
I had made brief attempts at changing before, especially after the first time that we almost went through a divorce. I got scared of losing her and would try and change. The underlying problem back then with me is that I was still at the pointing fingers stage. Rather than seeing that I was the one who was generating a lot of the problems, I would blame her.
Things would be ok for a week or so and then I would drift right back into the same old groove once again. Frankly.. I think that I was the one that was bitter inside and really didn't feel that I needed to change. I thought that she should be the one to go through the effort to conform to me and my selfish ways. This cycle would continue for the last few years. Getting ok and then getting bad again.
After seeing myself through her eyes was when the lights finally came on.
I began to see that I was the one that really needed to change.
I've always heard people say that you can't change your spouse, that has to happen of their own accord. They have to be the one that wants to change and no matter how much you try, it won't happen.
I thank God for being able to see myself in another light, not liking what I saw and realizing that I HAD to change. It became much easier after that and I've become the type of person now who is quick to forgive and slow to blame.
I feel great about myself inside and out and it reflects in the way that I relate to my wife and family.
I think that she's kind of taken back and looking at me like.. Wow! You really are different. But at the same time I think that she needs the time to make sure that I don't fall back into that groove that I used to.
I know in my heart that I won't, I guess that it will just take time for her to realize that what she sees now, really is here to stay forever. It's really great now to look in her eyes and see the love that I haven't seen for many years.

Bryan

Update:
Patience, Love, Understanding. These 3 words saved my marriage and have brought me back on track with what I've always wanted... The person that I want to grow old with. Last night after another "Date Night" Followed by a visit with some geat friends, my wife finally came around and realized that I'm not the same person that made her cry years ago. I'm not the same person that was selfish.
Anyone reading this that may possibly be having the same problems that I've had.. Please heed to those 3 words. Stop pointing fingers and take a good look at yourself instead! If you look at yourself through your spouse or girlfriends eyes and see what she sees in you, you may stop and realize what may have created the problems all along. This may seem like a short "Heal All Solution" in this posting, but it took a very long time for me to come to realize what was going wrong in my relationship. I wish anyone that may read this the best of luck and I hope that you'll be able to iron things out.
What I have I will never take for granted. I'm always thankfull and will be greatfull for that Classy lady that stuck with me even when times were far from great! She was able to show me true love even when I was too blind to see it. I will never forget this or step back into that groove that once troubled me.

Bryan

Seemingly, assuming responsibility for our actions - be them active or passive (choosing not to act) - is a burden to be avoided. It makes our faults surface and our sins public.

However, the ones who dare to try this mental strategy find a whole new well of strength and confidence in themselves and their life path.

Instead of adding chaos to already turbulent life - it adds tranquility. Instead of hitting the fan with harsh faults and regret - it shines the day with a bright, new light of the power to change and improve the quality of our life and the lives of others.

We hope to see your Bryan taking an active part in this forum. You have the duty of sharing your newly found key to success with others.

__________________
Cheers,
Shlomo Tommer
Top Synergy Admin
Facebook me!

Quote: "I've started doing things like making date nights and sending the kids to the grandparents, holding hands and opening doors, cards, flowers, little love notes. In addition to cleaning the whole house on a daily basis. She's always met with a smile and told how much I love her."

Quote: "When she came into the bathroom and saw this she gave me a funny look and told me that I'm moving too fast and need to back off that she needs time. After swallowing the large lump in my throat I agreed to slow down. She said that I'm an entirely different person now and she needs to get to know that person once again before making love."


You, my friend, are in danger of landing in the dreaded "Just Be Friends" zone with your own wife.

Consider how men who are "Nice Guys" and not a challenge at all are almost universally met with disinterest by sharp women. This is because something innate tells the woman that the man has put himself in an inferior/subservient position to her. This causes her to lose respect for the man.

Often you'll hear a woman speak to her friends about not 'feeling it' for a certain guy despite his 'doing everything right'.

Let's consider the example you cited. Look at the amazing thing you did for your wife in preparing a bath for the both of you. Essentially, she told you she wasn't interested, and showed ZERO appreciation for it.

Would you in a million years ever respond to her like that if she did something as great for you?

Of course you wouldn't. But you "swallowed a large lump in your throat" and capitulated. Why? Because you want to be a "nice guy" and avoid conflict at all costs.

This was a test. You did not pass it, and are guilty as charged: Failure to create attraction.

There's no need to be short tempered and frustrated over things as you used to be, but you've allowed the pendulum to swing too far in the other direction. Remember "male behavior" does not equal "bad behavior". Being the "nice guy" or an "Idiot/Jerk" (as I call it) are NOT the only options. Be masculine, show leadership, have things handled. But please stop doing all the housework.

__________________
Regards,
Scot McKay
Scot McKay is a dating and relationship strategist and founder of X & Y Communications. He didn't "settle" and neither should you. Check out the website, sign up for the newsletter and get a FREE gift.

Oh yes...I almost forgot.

It is VERY interesting that your wife's demeanor toward you has since changed for the better after a great date night followed by VISITING GREAT FRIENDS.

This is huge.

The likelihood is that she got a glimpse of you being your natural self and being at your BEST when around people who you don't have to save a marriage with and/or go the extra mile to impress. I admittedly don't know much about your situation other than what you've written about it, but MANY, MANY guys are well-loved by friends (including even FEMALE friends) but somehow "clam up" or otherwise morph into the "nice guy" when dealing with a woman they want to impress and/or earn the affection of.

The irony is that the guy you naturally are around those friends is... (are you sitting down for this?) ...the man she fell in love with.

I sincerely hope that is useful to you. If so, it would explain SO MUCH of what's going on.

__________________
Regards,
Scot McKay
Scot McKay is a dating and relationship strategist and founder of X & Y Communications. He didn't "settle" and neither should you. Check out the website, sign up for the newsletter and get a FREE gift.

Well Scott is right about what hes saying. but that might not be the problem. It might be bigger than you. It just might be her.

__________________
check out our dating podcast show MEN ON WOMEN
www.dating4men.com

I just showed this post to Emily, and she independently came up with a point that I was already mulling over.

Consider very carefully whether your wife has another man on the side. Emily stated, and I concur, that NO WOMAN responds positively to her husband's forward thinking efforts and then regresses into confusion a relatively short time later.

There's clearly another option out there that is causing a civil war in her mind. She, like you, is a grown-up. Instead of granting her the excuses, talk to her in a calm but direct manner about whether she really wants to be with you.

__________________
Regards,
Scot McKay
Scot McKay is a dating and relationship strategist and founder of X & Y Communications. He didn't "settle" and neither should you. Check out the website, sign up for the newsletter and get a FREE gift.

I feel the need to respond to this post and the replies. Bryan, I applaud you for evaluating your behavior in your marriage and taking steps to try to rekindle the love that was once there. Many would not even stop to consider the part they have played in breaking the bond, much less change it. I am ever so curious to know exactly what made you come to these realizations?

I have to aqree though with the brilliant Shlomo. You must stop to consider what SHE wants. I noticed that you responded to his post stating that his second interpretation is right on the money. You have evidenced that by saying you have attempted to make changes in the past but have not followed through. However, did you ask her? You came to the conclusion on your own and sometimes that is not the best form of action. Remember what Shlomo said: You must stop to consider what SHE wants.

I have been hurt many times, even most recently. After my fiance cheated on a sexual and emotional level and treated me horribly in the process, he is back. He has been trying to prove his devotion with flowers, cooking dinner, cleaning the home....all the things that are appreciated but insignificant to me. In my heart, flowers and rack of lamb does not heal the pain I experienced. What I am seeking is heart to heart honest communication as to what happened and what he was thinking to break what I thought was an incredible relationship despite its rocky instances. I am seeking answers and reassurance that the pain he caused me will not be repeated. I seek answers to the degree that I am even willing to hear anything that causes me more pain. I feel this is the only way to grow. I am wondering if your wife was pleased and shocked at the attempts you are making, but after thinking about it, wants to shake you and say "Do you think gestures of this nature can replace all those years of tears?" She is possibly wondering if you truly understand her pain on a deep level.

I agree with Scot's post that masculinity and lack of subservience is what makes any woman feel safe and attracted to a man. However, there is a fine line. I know my desire would be a little of both along with a large dose of honest communication, no holds barred, straight from the heart. That means talking and that means listening.....be it for hours, days, weeks. Remember the amount of time it took you to come to these realizations was equal to the amount of time she suffered. You cannot heal her and she cannot heal herself overnight. I can guarantee you that many people have it in them to forgive. It is how much you are willing to put into it, your insight, your effort, your time, that is going to be the indicator of the outcome. My advice, friend, is to try very hard to see outside yourself. View the big picture. Put yourself in her shoes. Reject your own feelings of rejection since, at least for now, you have a more important task at hand. I wish you and your wife the greatest happiness. I hope that through all of this, you can come to a place where both of you can sit together, close your eyes, smile and mutually say "Wow, look what we built together".