I think i should start at the beginning. i met my husband when i was 19 we rushed it to our relationship the day we met we felt this connection that i have never felt before. two months after we met we got married just before we were to be married i found out i was pregnant with our first daughter. two years into our marrage i found out he lied about almost everything he told me and continued to lie to me. when i got pregnant with our second he told me he would always tell me the truth. when my youngest was a almost one i found out he lied again. at this point i had alread started building a wall around my feelings. so mush so that i did not feel anything for him and the only reason i stayed was for my girl. in august of this year we took a trip where i had a friend and one thing let to another and i slept with him. i felt so bad after that i told my husband when we got home the thought of hurting him that was tore me up inside. he for gave me and our relationship got better for about 2 months. now we are fighting and i wonder if he is telling me the truth about somethings we are going through. I still feel guilty for what i did. i never thought i would do that to someone else no matter how i felt.

he says he trust me but i am still having trouble trusting him. i have never had a great relationship and have alway had trouble trusting men and it seems that as soon as i did trust him he showed me he couldn't be trusted.

how do i get our relationship to be better and for me to trust him again? i've suggested going to someone who could help us but all he says is that we don't have the money for that kind of thing.

if you have any advise i would love to hear it.
thanks

Welcome, Mistykess to our community and to the world of relationships where people get hurt by mistrust.

I would like to commend you first on the spirit of your letter. You didn't ask for console, sympathy or just. You rather asked for advice on how to improve your relationship. Good for you.

Before we dive into the subject of trust, let me highlight the following notion: your partner's frequent resort to lying suggests that he's far from feeling a whole with himself and solid on his life path. It seems that this lying routine has nothing to do with you but rather with the uncertainty and lack of respect that he feels toward himself. The day your partner will feel comfortable in his own value and in his positive contributions he'll stop lying altogether. That has nothing to justify his lying to you or to anyone else, but it may shift your focus from criticism of his tendencies to edification and reinforcement of his valuable assets and contribution to your life and your kids'.

And now to the matter of trust; many of us, at one stage in our life or another exercised or wished to employ an all encompassing trust (or Omni-trust) in our parents, teachers, associates or partners. The end result can be only one: grave disappointment. Exercising Omni-trust puts the relationship in jeopardy because none of us can be trusted in such a broad sense. One can be trusted to provide food and shelter, the other to keep a secret, yet another to solve mathematical challenges. The need to trust someone wholesomely is not initiated by the trustee (your partner) but rather by the trustor (you).

You won't trust a car dealer to sell you the safest, most agile, good looking, maintenance free, and low cost vehicle in one car, but you might exercise Omni-trust towards your parents or partner - not because it makes sense but in order to compensate for fears and insecurities within yourself.

Do not trust others in a way that they cannot even trust themselves for. Instead, reinforce your own strengths, independence, and wholesomeness. Easy said than done, but think about it: you don't even need your partner to agree for counseling. You can do it all by yourself. Once you love and accept yourself for all your fragility and imperfection - the whole issue of trust will take a turn for the better.

Trust me

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Cheers,
Shlomo Tommer
Top Synergy Admin
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Thank you for the advice I understand what you are saying. I was brought up to look at imperfections as a way to make your self stronger. where he alway had them pointed out as a weakness. sense i wrote the first time we have st and talked about some of our problems he told me that he doesn't feel like a man when it comes to somethings and he dosen't want to look like a failure to me so he tries to keep things from me. I told him that when i married him i married for better and for worse and if there is a problem and he need help he should not be afraid to tell me about it. so now he takes a while but he tells me what is going on and we are tring to work through it together. the only problem i have is when i hear him say he is a loser and a bad husband and father. because i know he is not and he would do anything to protect ma and the girls. but when you have parents telling you that everyday of your life i guess you begain to believe it. Any way thank you for the advice I think i will talk to him about reading it and see if it will help him too.

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Mistykess

You have the winner's attitude, heart, and soul.

Please share with us your triumphs and challenges as you move along.

__________________
Cheers,
Shlomo Tommer
Top Synergy Admin
Facebook me!